Holes
by nobodyshouldknow
Summary: Begins right after the the very last episode. After the major changes that the battle had one their lives, the Scoobies have a lot of things to deal with, and some big decisions to make.
1. Thoughts of survivors

What do you do when your entire life is completely turned upside down? When the town you grew up in, the only place where you´ve ever lived, is simply swallowed by the earth?

Xander stared at the place where Sunnydale once stood. After everything that had happened there, this was it. Just a hole in the ground. He felt nostalgic, but at the same time, free. No more Hellmouth. No more shit this place could throw at them.

No more Anya.

Anya was dead. She was gone. He´d never see her again, never talk to her, never see her move, never hear her say anything, ever again. She didn´t exist in this world anymore. She was gone for good. And the world no longer had her in it. Too bad. It was one of the few things it had going for it.

"Lets get a move on. Mr. Principle over here needs some serious stitching," Faith said.

The bus carried on through the desert. Xander sat staring out the window.

She was gone. She was really gone. He had made it. He would have to move on now, just like she had talked about after they slept together in Spike´s bed. But she´d never get to do that. She´d never get out of Sunnydale.

Every moment the truth hit him again and again. His mind couldn´t comprehend the fact that it would last forever. That it was really happening. The woman he had once planned to spend the rest of his life with, was dead. It felt too unreal.

"You all right?" Buffy´s voice came from beside him.

"Yeah," Xander answered sadly.

"Always thought you hated Sunnydale," she said.

"I do. I really do. I am glad I´m never gonna see that messed-up place again,"

"What´s with the sad-face then?" Buffy joked, trying to sound more upbeat than she was.

It was like she had punched him in the stomach.

"Xander?"

"Anya...she...," Xander all of a sudden had a hard time breathing. It was real. She was gone.

"Where´s An...oh, god. Oh, god. I am so sorry,"

Buffy hadn´t even noticed that Anya wasn´t on the bus. Weird, after all the years they´d known each other. But then again, she probably had a lot on her mind. After all, she had just lost someone too. She hugged him, burying her face in his shoulder. That was it. He started crying. Not just a few sobs and tears like when he had questioned Andrew about Anya´s death, but in the unstoppable-shoulders-shaking- kind of way. After a while Buffy started sobbing too. Was she only crying over Spike, or Anya too? Probably mostly Spike. Who´d have ever believed that: Buffy, crying over Spike´s death? Spike dying in a battle _against_ evil?

William the Bloody, a hero. Boy, this world was so screwed up.

"I´m sorry about Spike," The sentence felt weird in his mouth, and the weirdest part was that he meant it. How more surreal could this day get?

They stopped at the first hospital they found. Apart from Woods, it didn´t seem that many of them needed any serious medical attention.

Xander sat down on a bench outside of the hospital. He had gotten more than enough of those for a lifetime. There was the time when Buffy got sick back in Angel´s soulless days, the time Willow wound up in a coma after Drusilla and the other vampires attack the library, then Buffy again after Angel fed of her, Buffy´s mom, Anya after Buffy died in the battle against Glory, Buffy yet again when Warren shot her, he himself after Caleb...no, not thinking about that.

He was alive. Buffy was alive. Willow was alive. Dawn was alive. Giles was alive. He still had two legs to walk on and one eye to see with. The Hellmouth was closed for business.

Anya was dead.

But he still had his friends...he´d never see her again...but he had Buffy and Willow, his two best friends in the world...apart from Anya. Well, this optimism thing really wasn´t working. Every single moment the truth hit him again and again. She was dead. What was he supposed to do now? What do you do when the only woman you have ever loved is swallowed by the earth and you simply can´t get her back?

–-

Buffy curled herself in the toilet stall. She just needed to be alone right now. It had been a long day. Lots of feelings running around inside of her. She felt free now that the weight of being the Slayer didn´t rest on her alone, or only just on her and Faith. She was relieved that they had defeated the First, and that the war was over. She was excited about the possibilities that lay had. But in all of that excitement and relief, she was grieving. Spike was dead. She´d never get to talk to him again. At least she couldn´t hurt him anymore, Buffy thought bitterly. Sunnydale had been her home for years. So many things had happened there. It was there she had met Angel and Xander and Willow and Giles and Tara and Riley. Now it was gone. The house that had been her home. Her mother´s and Tara´s graves. The Magic Box. It was all just gone. A very powerful wave of nostalgia washed over her.

Spike and Anya were dead. Sunnydale was gone. Xander had just one eye. The slayer-linage had been aborted.

Boy, how things had changed.

–-

Okay, so maybe it hadn´t been the best idea in the world to go drink her sorrows. But hey, at least she took Xander with her. Or more like followed him. But since he was seemed to be dealing just as bad or even worse with Anya´s death than she was with Spike´s, and had gotten pretty drunk himself...well, it really wasn´t the best idea either one of them had ever had.

"Here´s too Spike and Anya," Buffy said raising her glass of beer.

"Too Anya and Spike," Xander said, emptying almost one fourth of his glass in one sip.

"And to the potential slayers who died," Buffy added.

"Yeah," Xander whispered sadly. Buffy the guilt sinking in again. She knew she could never have saved them all. It was war. But...at least she could have prevented Molly and Dianne from dying by not going on that stupid, useless mission to the vineyard. Not to mention the fact that Xander would still have two eyes if she hadn´t. Stupid. Like those two times she fell for the old "come and fight us while our allies attack your friends" trick. Apart from Giles, Willow, Cordelia and Miss Calander getting kidnapped both times, then Kendra got killed and Willow wound up in a coma the last time it happened. Yep, she really had to stop falling for old tricks like that.

"So, Spike saved us. Spike saved the world. He sacrificed his own life to save other´s. Boy, Spike, a hero. Who´d have thought,"

"I knew," Buffy said.

"Yeah, once he got his soul. But before that? I mean think about it, when we first met him. We would never in a million years have imagined something like that,"

"No, you are right. Not back then, no," Buffy felt another pang of pain. Back then...

They sat in silence for a moment.

"To the new slayers out there," Buffy suddenly said, raising her glass again.

"Yeah. To the newly activated super-chicks all around the world. Good luck, to all of them," Xander

raised his own glass.

"They are going to need it," Buffy said.

"Yeah, they are," Xander said. "But at least they won´t be alone,"

"Yeah. It really does help not being alone when you are responsible for keeping the world safe,"

Buffy agreed. "I should know,"

"So you´ve finally stopped with the "the Slayer is alone" bullshit," Xander said.

"Hey. That´s harsh,"

"Sorry. You´re right. No, wait. I am not sorry. No, I am sorry,"

"Wanna decide anytime soon?"

"I think it would be great if we didn´t argue tonight so I am definitely going with sorry. Blame my momentary doubt on the alcohol,"

"All right then. This time, but just because I am in no mood to argue with my best friend,"

Another silence came. Xander started working on his beer. Buffy followed his example.

"She really is gone," Xander´s voice sounded empty and pained at the same time. Weird contradiction. Buffy felt a burning pang in her chest. Spike. She´d never see him again. It hurt knowing it. It hurt knowing Xander was in pain. It hurt knowing that Anya was dead. All of a sudden Amanda came up in her mind. That girl she talked to in her office, so young, with no idea what was ahead. Buffy started thinking about the guy she told her about, the one who picked on her. Who was he? Had he really liked Amanda? Did they ever get together? All of that almost immediately brought her thoughts back to Spike. Spike was gone. Anya was gone. Amanda was gone. Other potential slayers, who never got to be more than that, potential, were gone. All of them, so young, with there lives ahead of them, and people who loved them. People who´d never see them again.

"Yeah," Buffy answered. "She really is. It´s hard to believe. I don´t really get it. And Spike too.

He´s just gone. We´ll never see them again,"

Then she burst out laughing.

"What?" Xander asked.

"Spike saved the world. He sacrificed his life for others and I am sad that he´s dead, and you are grieving over a thousand-year old ex-demon. You dated the woman you only met because she lost her powers when she came to town to torment you for cheating on your girlfriend,"

Xander laughed.

"Spike died saving the world. And you slept with him. You slept with _Spike_. And that was _before _he had a soul. And the only woman I have ever been in love with is an...was an eleven-hundred year old ex-demon. And you slept with Spike. Spike saved the world. He died...he died a hero. Spike was a hero," Xander was now crying and laughing breathlessly at the same time.

"You´ve got one eye,"

"My eye got gauged out by a psycho priest,"

"Our whole town fell into the ground,"

"Sunnydale is a hole in the ground. Wow. It´s just a hole. An empty hole. It´s all just gone,"

The laughter was gone now. He was just crying now. Buffy felt hot tears burning behind her eyelids.

There they sat, a blonde woman, and a one-eyed man, together at a bar, crying together over glasses of vodka.

–-

"I´m tired, lets sit down," Xander said, ungracefully falling on a nearby bench. Buffy sat down ( sat down, not stumble, she was a slayer after all) beside him.

"What are you going to do next?" Buffy asked.

"Rest. Then hopefully get back on my feet before I fall asleep, and walk back to the hotel. Or just fall asleep right here. Still not sure,"

"No, I mean, next. You know, in life," Buffy cuddled up against him and placed his arm around her shoulders.

"I don´t know. I really don´t know. And I am actually happy about it. It´s nice not having anything to do. To have a choice, you know. All the possibilities,"

"Yeah, I do. It´s great. I feel freer than... ever," Buffy says.

"I thought you would. Being the slayer and all that," Xander says.

"Yeah, not to mention everything else I didn´t have a choice about, like mom dying and taking care of Dawn. Everything just somehow got decided for me, or then the choices were bad, like kill your boyfriend or let the world get sucked into hell,"

"Or save your sister or die or let the world get sucked into hell," Xander added.

"Yeah. But now, it´s all about what I want to do. What´s next in the life of Buffy? And I get to choose,"

"That´s not true is it though," Xander said. "The whole bad choices-no choices thing. You chose to do this. To share your powers. You chose to fulfill your destiny, and you chose how to do it. Yeah, you´ve had it hard and you´ve had to make some hard choices, but usually, you made good ones. And look at all the things you´ve done. All the time you´ve saved the world. Defeating the First. And you´re still alive. You survived all of this,"

"Yeah, I´m pretty awesome," Buffy agreed.

"But I couldn´t have done it without you guys. All the help you´ve given me, all the times you´ve saved me,"

Xander wrapped his arm around her neck and pulled her in a tight hug.

"Spike was the hero this time," Buffy continued. "He was the one who saved the world today,"

"I was going to ask her out,"

"What?"

"Anya. I was going to ask her out after the whole First-Evil thing was over. Now I´ll never know what she´d have said. I mean, I know she said that we should move on, but then we slept together again, and I know it doesn´t necciseraly mean that she had changed her mind, but still. I don´t know. Maybe she would have. Maybe we would have gotten back together. But now I´ll never know. Even if she had said no and moved somewhere away from me, and I´d never see her again, then that would have been a lot better than knowing that she isn´t in this world anymore. Even though I know from you that Heaven is great, then the idea that she´s just not around here anymore... It was her idea to move on. It was her idea. And now she is making me do it alone. She never even got out of Sunnydale. It´s cheating. Dying is cheating when it comes to moving on," Xander sighted.

"You´re not alone. Tired, drunk, a little dumb sometimes, but never alone," Buffy said.

Xander wrapped his arm around her.

"I know,"

Buffy leaned up against him.

"We don´t even have bodies to bury," Xander said.

"You´re right. We should throw them a memorial service," Buffy suggested. Wow, her voice sounded tired and... What was the word she was looking for? Worn out?

"Yeah, lets do that. Tomorrow. I´m too tired now," Xander yawned.

"Yeah, tomorrow," Buffy said, cuddling closer up to her friend.

At least she wasn´t alone.

–-

Willow decided it was time do check on her friends. They had both just lost someone important to them and she needed to be there for them -and prevent them from doing something stupid.

A locating spell and a 15 minutes walk later she found them sitting on a bench, cuddled up together.

"This looks cozy," Willow said sweetly. Xander and Buffy opened their eyes and looked up at their best friend.

"Can I join?"

"Sure, but you gotta choose a safe word you can remember. Oh, and make sure it is okay with Kennedy first. We don´t wanna piss her off since she is a slayer now and all," Xander said.

"Okay how do you do that? You are tired, possibly drunk, and grieving, and yet you manage to come up with a perfectly good, dirty joke, and you made it out of something as innocent as that," Willow said. "You´re amazing, you know that,"

"Well, some of us can activate superpowers in girls all around the world, others can defeat an army of demons, and some of us come up with crude comment on the spot, under any circumstances," Xander said.

"I´ve always wondered how you do that. I mean, I can come up with witty remarks in the face of danger, but you, you can take almost every statement and turn it into something sex...based...linked? You know what I mean. Even when you are angry, or scared, or sad, you always managed to turn what you say into something crude in one way or another,"

"Hey!"

"What? I was giving you a compliment. I think"

"I do more than just crude comments. And I can make them out of every statement," Xander insisted.

"Sure. But but you don´t do witty one-liners. Yours are always terrible,"

"Are not,"

"See what I mean,"

Willow rolled her eyes. Leave it up to Buffy and Xander to start debating about their sense of humour after saving the world. Those two would be fine. So if they hadn´t gotten unscarred out of Sunnydale. So what if Xander was missing an eye and Buffy had been carrying the weight of the world since high school, or that they had both been burned pretty badly by love, or had been through some traumatizing deals like dying twice, getting shot, or chained by a preying mantis or tied up and stabbed to bleed to death by their date, or had daddy issues, or had staked vampires that used to be their friends or boyfriends, or that they had both just lost someone they loved. They would be fine. They were strong. Maybe a bit messed-up, but strong. And whatever the world would through at them next, they could deal with it.

She would personally make sure of it.

–-

Buffy made herself comfortable between Willow and Xander. Her two best friend in the world. With Sunnydale gone she couldn´t help but to think about all the things they had done together. Everything that had happened since she moved from L.A. and met them. It was a miracle they were all three alive here together.

"This is nice. But we really should go back to the motel," Willow said.

"Would that include standing up," Buffy asked.

"In this situation, I am afraid it could come down to it. But on the plus side, then there are nice, soft beds in the motel," Willow said.

"Hmm, beds, or not getting up. Hard choice. Uhh, my head is so...,"

"Worn out?" Willow offered.

"Purple," Xander suggested.

Willow gave him a weird look. Buffy didn´t bother opening her eyes, but wrinkled her forehead.

"What?"

"Hey, you were looking for a word. I was just helping,"

"I think I´d be able to describe my head if it were purple,"

"Fair enough. Say, Will. You wouldn´t happen to know a teleporting-spell, would ya?"

"How about we do some walking,"

"Fine, but only because my but is sore from sitting on this bench," Xander said stretching his arms.

"Bah, getting up. Not good," Buffy said.

"Hey, you are supposed to be the one with super-strenght," Xander reminded her.

"Hey, I just fought against the thing that gave birth to evil. Give me a break,"

"Yeah, those mom´s can get real cranky when someone starts messing with their kids," Xander joked.

"Come on, you two," Willow said. "Lets get you back to the motel,"

Buffy sighted. After a whole day of fighting and emotions running high, she felt absolutely exhausted.

Spike was dead. Anya was dead. Sunnydale was gone. The Hellmouth was closed. She had no home. She didn´t know what she´d do next.

But in that moment none of it mattered. She could deal with all of that tomorrow. She was too tired to make any decisions or mourn or think. Right now, all she was going to do, was to sleep.


	2. Dreaming of you

"_You are late,"_

"_I didn´t know we were supposed to meet,"_

"_You forgot? How could you forget?"_

"_I´m sorry. I honestly don´t know. But I am really glad to see you,"_

"_Come here you one-eyed fool,"_

_What did she mean? One-eyed? Oh, right. Caleb. He only had one eye now. It would take a while to get used to. _

"_Where else would I be, my lady?"_

_He stepped forward and kissed her while wrapping his arm around her. She was here, it had all been just a dream. She hadn´t died. She was alive. Thank god, what a relief!_

_Someone was lurking in the back._

"_I love you, An,"_

"_I know. I love you too. Always will," she answered and wrapped her arms tighter around his neck. _

"_Forget about all the stupid things in the past. Lets just move on and be together," he had been waiting to say those words for so long. Now was finally the right moment._

"_Oh, please say yes," he prayed silently. Something was moving behind her._

"_I´d love that," she whispered._

_Damn, those ubervamps were there. He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her away. They ran out of his apartment (shouldn´t it be in ruins like the rest of Sunnydale?) and down the hallway. All of a sudden they were in Sunnydale High. There was a sword lying on the ground. Thank god, if he could reach it then he could try to fight them. _

_Oh, no. Not him. Not him of all people. A far too familiar man in clerical clothing was standing between them and the sword, smiling. Anya wasn´t there anymore, and he was alone with black-clad man in the backyard. _

"_Lets see what we can do about that,"_

Xander woke up feeling a sharp pain in his left eye. No, not eye. Eye socket. His heart was raising and it took him few moments to realize that he was safe, and a few more to calm himself down. He was in a motel room. Caleb was dead. The battle was over. Then he remembered. Anya was dead. It had only been a dream. She was gone. A heavy wave of disappointment washed over him.

The pain in his left eye socket had vanished. It had only been imaginary, Xander guessed. Only a memory of the actual pain. A strong, vivid memory.

Wait, wasn´t all pain technically imaginary? He´d have to ask Willow.

Xander pulled the covers over him and stared up in the ceiling. He was pretty sure he could measure how far above him it was, but considering his recent impairment, then he couldn´t bet on it. How would that effect his construction work? He couldn´t bring himself to care honestly. He

couldn´t even bring himself to get out of bed to get something to eat, even though he was starving. He didn´t have any appetite, anyways. Funny how you can be so hungry that your stomach is almost growling, yet have no interest in food.

Anya was dead.

He tried not to think about it, but it was hard. Impossible was maybe a more accurate word.

"_Lets see what we can do about that"_

Great. Now he had preacher-guy´s voice stuck in his head. Like the dizziness from last nights drinking wasn´t enough.

More unpleasant thoughts washed over him. He had survived the war, while Anya and so many young girls hadn´t. They were dead, and he was alive. How could that be allowed to happen? How come that he got to live, while Anya and all those Potentials didn´t?

"_So you´re the one who sees everything?"_

Man, he hated that accent.

–_-_

Buffy loved her sister. She really did. But when Dawn decided to wake her up for breakfast while she was dizzy and very, very tired, then she really got the urge to smack her.

"I´m tired. Leave me alone,"

"No, you can´t sleep the whole day away. Aren´t slayers supposed to be able to get by with like eight minutes night sleep?"

"Twelve minutes. And go away,"

"But Buffy, aren´t you hungry?"

"I´m more tired. I´ll pass breakfast,"

"You already have. I´m talking lunch,"

"Lunch?"

"It´s 11:40,"

"Oh,"

_Sleep or miss lunch. Damn you stomach. If it weren´t for the pain you were inflicting to get what you want, then I could stay in this not-so-soft-but-warm-bed without any problems. _

"So you coming?"

"Yes. Just let me get twooo more minutes,"

–-

"Waky, waky,"

"What in the ….waky, waky?" Xander stared confused and disapprovingly at his current roommate.

"What. It is a legitamate waking-method,"

"And really lame,"

"Noted. I totally disagree, but noted. Willow, Dawn, Kennedy, Giles and me are going out for lunch. Dawn is checking to see if Buffy wants to go too. How about you?"

"Not really, no. But thanks,"

"You sure. You missed breakfast,"

"Not hungry,"

"Hung-over?"

"Just a little,"

"Want me to get something. Water, painkillers?"

"Painkillers would be nice. I´ve got some in my jacket pocket. Thanks,"

"Sure thing. Anything else?"

"No, I am good,"

"All right, then,"

Xander felt relieved when Andrew closed the doors. Peace and quiet. He really just wanted to be alone. Yet he couldn´t help but to curse Andrew leaving so soon. He had wanted someone to be with him, but as soon as he got some company, then he couldn´t wait to be alone again. Damn contracdictions.

–-

Andrew closed the doors behind him. It felt awkward, to share a room with Xander. He gotten out alive and the woman Xander loved hadn´t. Andrew felt a pang of grief and guilt again, thinking about Anya. He had really liked her. During the last couple of days he had started to really get to know her, care about her. She had been, in his eyes, his friend. And now she was gone. But he, the pathetic moron who had killed his best friend? He was standing here, alive, about to eat lunch with people he had about a year ago been working against. So much for karma.

–-

"Is Buffy not coming?" Giles asked Dawn when she joined them in the lobby.

"Yes, she´s just getting ready. What about Xander?"

"He didn´t feel like it. No surprise considering how drunk he was last night," Willow chuckled.

"That, and the fact that Anya just died," she then added more seriously, like it had suddenly occurred to her what effect it might have had on her best friend that his ex-fiancee was deceased. Yet another thing to worry about, Giles though. Another major personal concern was the impact of Spike´s death on Buffy and Dawn. Then there were his "professional" worries. With the Watcher Council gone, and new slayers being activated all over the world, there was much to decide and do. It was worrying...and remarkably exciting.

Then again, maybe he was just relieved they had all just survived a war against the First.


End file.
